I met a girl once, a friend of a friend, who had just been for an interview at Google, and she told me that in their reception they have a display showing all the things people are searching for in real time. Ever since I found this out I occasionally type ‘Hello people in Google reception’ into the search field. And I wonder if anybody sees it and smiles. Probably not though, since if I were sitting in the Google reception I would be far too busy being entertained by all the random sex things people search for. J once proved, through the magic of Google, that pretty much any bizarre sexual fetish you can think of has a website devoted to it somewhere. Seriously. We tried all sorts of shit (including, um, shit) and had a 100% success rate. And if you have a strong stomach and a sick sense of humour, I double dog dare you to search for ‘tampon eating’ right now. In fact, now that I’m thinking about this, I really wonder whether Google have some kind of filtering device operating on this display thing, otherwise surely they’d just get a stream of obscenity and naked celebrity searches flashing through their reception.

Anyway, my Google search stats provide yet more evidence that there are people out there who get off on the oddest stuff. Yesterday somebody found their way to this site via the search ‘I caught Mummy wearing my school uniform’. Now, I actually typed this into Google myself, just to check, and there are about a hundred links to other pages with closer matches before you get to mine (not after I post this though!), which means that somebody must have really really wanted to find what they were looking for. And, you know, I’m a helpful soul, so I’ll do my best, but in the interests of total honesty, I have to admit I never once caught my Mum wearing my school uniform. And if I ever had it wouldn’t have been a remotely sexual experience, for many many reasons, not least that my school uniform was probably the least sexy outfit ever cut from cloth. It consisted of a knee-length wool skirt, a white shirt with yellow and blue stripes, a navy cardigan and a plain navy tie. Even the gym uniform was repellent. Yes we wore little navy blue tennis skirts, but underneath the skirts? HIDEOUS navy blue acrylic knickers with gold (GOLD!) stripes. So, I have to say, if I had ever caught my Mum borrowing my school uniform, I suspect my response would have been befuddled hilarity, rather than illicit incestuous arousal. Sorry about that, lone Google wanderer with the Mummy/school uniform fetish. But you should totally go search for ‘tampon eating’. I think you’ll like it.