The First Rule

No talking. No eye contact. Not even under the most dire of circumstances. Not even if there is a drunk sitting in the carriage hurling abuse at people; not even if somebody throws up on their shoes; not even if a four-piece bongo band gets on and starts serenading you on your merry way along the Piccadilly line (I have witnessed all of these things, by the way). Under none of these circumstances, or really practically any others you can think of, must you look at or speak to anybody else, or even glance briefly in anybody’s direction in order to sardonically roll your eyes. Nope. The only (possible, maybe, with a prevailing wind ) exceptions are: if someone gives up their seat for you, you may make the briefest of eye contact and mutter ‘thanks’ under your breath. If the driver makes an amusing announcement*, you may chuckle lightly to yourself. Otherwise, everybody in that tube carriage, no matter how jam-packed it may be, is busy pretending that they are standing all by themselves in the middle of a big empty field, and if you do anything at all to ruin the illusion, they will, silently and without eye contact, hate you.

The Second Rule

Getting a seat during rush hour involves a very carefully choreographed dance, one for which everybody else knows all the steps, and if you don’t know them you risk either a)mortally offending somebody (not that you would ever know you’d offended them what with the no talking and no eye contact) or b) getting quite badly stepped on. So, here are some pointers:

The rules are simple. Everybody wants a seat. There are a lot more people on the train than there are seats. Ergo, a lot of people are competing for them. Competing in a completely silent battle, in which none of the players show the slightest hint of acknowledging one another, but will still all pretend they are standing completely alone in a big empty field. Fun times!

The best way to get a seat fast is to stand as near as possible to a sitting person who looks like they’ll be getting up soon. Indications of this include: putting their book away; putting their gloves on; folding up their newspaper; moving in a manner which suggests they may soon be picking up their bag… You get the picture. Sitting people who make any of these gestures and then do not get up will be the unwitting focus of silent, white hot fury from all around them.

If you are standing near a seat, and the seat occupant gets up to leave the train, you get that seat! Yay! But, if there are two of you standing equidistant from the newly-vacated seat, the rules of ownership become more complex. Basically, it all depends on which way the person leaving the seat leaves. If they leave by passing in front of the other commuter, you can sort of edge your body into the seat as they leave it, while the other competitor’s commuter’s access is blocked. However, if the other commuter is wise in the ways of seat taking, he/she can take a preemptive strike, by taking a step towards you and inserting their body or bag in between you and the seat, as the original occupant stands up, thus blocking your access. Sometimes this isn’t possible, it all depends on exactly where the key players are standing, and being able to read the angles involved. Reading them wrongly will result in either missing out on a seat that is rightfully yours, or humiliation and possibly being sat upon.

Pregnancy, infirmity, disability or any other ‘-y’ that might on other, more civilised transport systems, guarantee you a seat on even the most crowded train, will not necessarily work for you on the tube in rush hour. Sitting people will go out of their way never to look up at those standing, lest they accidentally happen to notice somebody in greater need of a seat than themselves, and are thus forced to either give up their seat (never!) or acknowledge their own meanness of spirit. Thus you will often see rows of seated people, those who forgot to bring a book anyway, resolutely staring at their shoes for their entire journeys. It’s every man and woman for themselves down there. It may be silent, but don’t for one minute think it’s benevolent.

The Third Rule

It is a point of pride, amongst regular commuters, that they will read whatever it is they have brought to read, no matter how tightly packed the carriage may be, and no matter what ridiculous poses they have to adopt in order to stand up, hold a book, turn pages and still hang onto something while they do it. You will frequently find yourself being poked in the back by the spine of somebody’s paperback, or getting your hair caught on the edge of somebody’s newspaper. You will not complain about, or even acknowledge, these discomforts.

You can read somebody’s newspaper over their shoulder, but you must give no indication, by actually moving your head, that you are doing so. Instead you must give yourself eye strain by trying to read something to the side while always looking straight ahead. Incidentally, it is a universal truth that the contents of a newspaper being half read over somebody else’s shoulder will always be infinitely more fascinating to you than anything you will read if you actually have your own newspaper.

There are other rules of tube travel which are not unspoken. Rules which are, in fact, frequently yelled at you by tube employees, and reinforced with signs. Like, let people off the train before you get on; mind the gap; and, most importantly of all, always stand on the right side of escalators or walk up the left. This last rule will become so ingrained that you will find, wherever you go in the world, standing on the left side of an escalator makes you feel slightly nervous.

So, there you have it. It’s safe to come to London now, armed with this helpful guide. And should you wish to travel the tube at rush hour (although nobody in their right mind would actually choose to do this, you know, if they had an actual choice) then you can do so safe in the knowledge that you are not causing anybody to silently but passionately hate you. And that’s always nice.

*Example I have actually heard:
“I know this train is really packed, and we’re pulling into a station that is even more packed, so it’ll probably be more fun if you just imagine everybody’s naked.”