So, where does life come from? Extraterrestrial organic compounds? Abiotic Chemistry? Extreme Environment? God?

Nope. None of those. I’ve found the answer. I’m not even kidding. Honestly, this post is going to change the world, because I’m here to tell you, I know where life began. And it can’t be a mistake, because, look, there’s a sign and everything:

That’s right, the origins of the universe are to be found in a small shopping mall/cinema complex in Fulham, West London. I bet you’re surprised. I know I was. I mean, on a Saturday night the atmosphere on the pavement outside can get a little, neantherdal, what with all the nightclubs and bars nearby. And on the mornings after England manage not to totally shame themselves in a sporting event, the levels of litter and vomit around the place could certainly be described as, um, primordial-soupy. But still, it wasn’t what I was expecting, and it’s a bit of a disappointment, honestly, to discover that all that stuff about the big bang was wrong. Poor little Stephen Hawking will be so disappointed. And as for all those hours I spent in Sunday school, with that Garden of Eden yarn and the dramatic irony with the snake and the apple, well, it’s kind of irritating to discover all along that it was just nonsense. I could have stayed at home and watched cartoons after all.

But, I’m spreading the word anyway. I’m sorry if you feel the same level of disappointment that I did. The same sense of ‘what, that’s it?’ It is a bit of a bummer, I know. But you can take some comfort in the fact that the cradle of existence does at least have both a Krispy Kreme and a pretzel stand.

I know I do.