On our drive down to Cornwall last weekend I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, a sign which I was quite sure read ‘Beast Burning’. It was attached to a fence by the side of the road, and by the time I’d read it we’d already gone past it.

‘I just saw a sign that said ‘Beast Burning”, I told J.

‘What? You must have misread it.’ He said.

‘No, I’m sure that’s what it said. What kind of beast do you think they’re going to burn? I mean, it could be anything. A cat, a cow…’

‘Probably not a cat’, J pointed out, ‘it wouldn’t burn for very long. There’s a lot more burning to be got out of a cow.’

‘Poor beast.’ I said.

And then I discovered a half-eaten packet of mint humbugs in the glove compartment, and we forgot all about the whole thing.

On the drive home on Monday morning, our Sat. Nav. went all wiggy on us and we ended up bimbling all over Cornwall on teeny little roads with high hedges for a couple of hours. There are no motorways in Cornwall, so teeny little roads are basically your only option for getting around, and it is safe to say that without the Sat. Nav. we would probably still be there, so I’m not complaining, but it did take us on a very long and convoluted route out of the county.

Or maybe it was just a very clever little Sat. Nav., because, as we were finally pulling onto a major road, I happened to glance to my left, and there was the sign! Right in front of me! 

Beast Burning! It’s quite hard to read because I had only a second to take the picture and didn’t have time to zoom in. So, to save you from squinting, this is what the sign actually says:

Colliford Lake Park

BEAST BURNING

Sunday 28 October

Ticket Hotline: xxxxxx

Postponed

Until 4th November

Not only will a beast be burned at this event, but it is expected to be so popular that there is a ticket hotline. A ticket hotline! Who are these Cornish savages who will phone in advance to reserve tickets at the burning of some poor beast? Aren’t those sheep standing around the sign feeling a bit nervous? I would be, if I were a sheep. I would be thinking ‘Hmmm, that sign says ‘Beast Burning’. I am a beast… Fuck.’

Well, internet, in the interests of full disclosure, I did investigate this Beast Burning thing when I got home, and it turns out that those sheep were right not to be overly concerned. Apparently, the beast being burned is a wooden effigy of the Beast of Bodmin Moor, a possibly non-existent leopard-like cat of Cornish legend.

So that’s alright then.

But is it wrong that I’m kind of disappointed?